Blog

June 28
I hate going to the dentist, and I do mean hate - really, really hate. I've had the worst luck with them. When I was 9 or 10, this one quack told my parents I had ten cavities that needed fillings, and ever since then I've feared going to the dentist because I knew they'd give me bad news. So for way too long, I just didn't go.

I finally found a dentist here I liked, but he kept moving from practice to practice, and I had a hard time keeping up with him. So I stayed with one dental practice he had been with, but I stopped going after a bad experience with the other dentist there. He was filling a tooth and when I told him I could feel the nerve, he said he was almost finished, couldn't I just deal with it. Nope. I never went back.

The next dentist was a guy on Brandon's softball team. I pulled myself together long enough for him to do a root canal and crown and lots of fillings. I thought I had taken care of all the problem spots in my mouth. But then six months later, the fillings started falling out, over and over again.

Two weeks ago a huge filling fell out and half my tooth was missing. I just couldn't bear to go back to the same dentist, so Marion recommended a friend of hers. I called and begged for an appointment. They fit me in that afternoon. I walked out two hours and one emergency root canal later. Ouch. I also had a bill for $2,000.

I went in last week for a cleaning and an exam and left in tears. My teeth are just a mess. The crown that the former dentist put in isn't seated correctly and there is decay underneath. It has to be removed and replaced. All of the fillings he put in are leaking and there is decay behind them. They all need to be drilled out and replaced. And I need two more crowns on top of all that work. I truly burst into tears sitting in the dentist's chair as she went over my x-rays. It took everything I had to keep going in for all those appointments before, and now all the work has to be done over again. I can't believe it.

At the dentist's recommendation, I bought a new Sonicare toothbrush, and I now have a whole toothbrushing regimen - I have to brush, floss, brush again with a different kind of brush and swish for a minute with flouride. I went in this morning so they could check on how I was doing with it. The hygenist painted my teeth with stuff that showed where there was plaque. Turns out I'm not doing such a great job on the right side of my mouth. Nothing like being lectured on toothbrushing habits at the age of 35.

Thursday I'm getting three crowns and a filling. One of the teeth may need a root canal - they won't know until they get in there and start drilling. The dentist couldn't tell from the x-ray how close the decay is to the nerve. I'm borrowing a friend's iPod to get through the appointment. And I'm going out with Liz tomorrow night; I plan to have at least one drink.

Still, I suppose it could be worse. Liz's husband had to have a titanium screw implanted in his jaw that they're attaching a new tooth to. I told my dentist my goals for my teeth were to have them stop hurting, to stop having nightmares about them, and to never, ever have to have a screw put in my jaw.

June 22
This afternoon I had another reminder that my job right now is to make sure my children have a happy childhood. I mentioned to Brandon that I was taking the girls to meet our friend Liz and her kids at their neighborhood pool. He sighed and said something like he wished he could sit by the pool all afternoon, and I immediately felt like I was slacking off by going to the pool.

Even after more than two years of being a stay-at-home mom, I still feel like I should be working all the time. And I do work a lot, other than general house work. I've had steady work from Holt and Danskin, and I'm on track to earn more this year than I did last, which is all good. But it is still very hard for me to just sit down and relax - there's always e-mails to be answered and laundry to be folded and dishes to be done.

Going to the pool for the afternoon feels like I'm not doing my job. I have to make myself remember that my most important job, more important than Holt or housework, is having fun with my kids. They are only going to be young for so long, and they're only going to want me to tag along with them to the pool for so long, so I'd better enjoy it now.

So I went to the pool today and didn't worry about what e-mails might have been waiting and what housework needed to be done, and I had fun. Liz and I juggled four kids among us, which was a challenge. Anyone who thinks taking small children to the pool is relaxing obviously hasn't ever done it. Lily only wanted to be on the steps or in the very shallow part of the pool and only if she could hold onto my fingers. Ella wanted to practice her new swimming skills and was very frustrated that I wouldn't follow her into deeper waters. Owen kept trying to escape from Liz, and Ava only wanted to be in the baby pool. Liz and I were definitely not sipping drinks and lazing by the side of the pool for an hour watching the kids play.

But I still had fun. This was Lily's first trip to the pool this summer, and it is wonderful to see Ella swimming. She just learned to swim suddenly. She's taking lessons, and she hopped in on the first day and swam to her teacher. I was amazed. She's quite the little fish. And in between the slashing, laughing and escape attempts, Liz and I even got to talk for a while.

Tonight the girls fell asleep minutes after their heads hit the pillows, and I got to start on work relatively early, which means I finish relative early. It all worked out in the end.

Motherhood isn't such a bad job to have.

June 20
My day started off badly. I met up with Jen, Cristina, Tonya, Shannon and Erin to run at 6:15. About a mile into the run, I tripped over a half-buried rock on a down-hill section of the trail and wiped out in spectacular fashion. Shannon and Erin missed the fall but caught up to see Jen, Cristina and Tonya trying to dust me off.

I usually wear a singlet to run, but this morning I opted not to, which was a bad choice. I would have at least had something to dust me off and mop off the blood. As it turned out, I was already really sweaty thanks to the nice humid weather, and I ended up covered in dust from the trail which quickly turned into mud.

The toll: two scraped up hands, scraped up left knee and shin, scraped up left elbow and shoulder. I'm most worried about my elbow. It swelled up immediately, and I've still got a large knot under the scrape. My shoulder hurts a lot, too. I can't really raise my left arm over my head at this point, and it throbs when I sit and type. Of all days to have a project deadline. . . .

The girls have been very solicitous of my injuries, or at least Ella has. Lily keeps giving my owies kisses, but then she grabs one of the scrapes while climbing on me. Ella had a strange reaction - when she saw all my scrapes and the blood, she buried her head in the covers of her bed until I pulled her out and reassured her that I really was ok. She's been giving me kisses all day, too.

I know I'll probably hurt worse tomorrow when the muscle soreness really kicks in and the scrapes start to heal a bit. I've still got dirt and gravel in some of the scrapes. There was only so much scrubbing I could take in the shower this morning.

It wouldn't be so bad if this were the first time I'd done this, but unfortunately I have a long history of falling while running. I fell on the trail last summer and dinged myself up pretty badly then, too. Brandon's favorite incident, witnessed by a friend of ours, is when I tripped and fell during a race. He loves that I tripped and fell over a bright orange traffic cone - the thing that says, "Warning, don't step here." In my defense, I was turned around, looking for the friend who witnessed the fall and who told Brandon about it. One coach I worked with said that people who live active lives should expect to get hurt now and then but that I got hurt more than any person he'd ever met. It's not the best reputation to have.

I got strange looks all day from people who saw my scrapes. Ella's teacher sidled up and asked what kind of weekend I'd had. Another teacher asked if I had fallen while riding a mountain bike. It's embarrassing that I got hurt this badly from running. Brandon says I should just lie and say that I did fall off a bike. I took Ella to swim lessons today, and I could sense the other mothers in the waiting area glancing at me out of the corner of their eyes, sizing up my arm and leg. I know I'd be dying to ask if I saw someone who looked like I do right now.

I have to be helping parent in Ella's class tomorrow, which should be interesting. I guess I'll just bandage myself up the best I can and take a bunch of ibuprofen before I go.

June 19
It stinks trying to get back in running shape this time of year. It's hard to run in the heat and humidity as it is, but trying to come back after three weeks off is awful.

My asthma flared up at the beginning of June, and I finally got to a point where I couldn't run. I couldn't even walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. My doctor started me on a new medicine, which kicked in after a few days, but then it was Danskin weekend. There was no way I wanted to get up early to run and then spend a minimum of eight hours at the race site for the day. After Danskin I was so wiped out that it took me three days just to catch up on my sleep and feel normal again.

So that brought me up to three weeks without running. I ran on Friday for the first time, and I felt terrible. The good thing was that I was out there alone. I was able to toodle along at my own pace and not have to worry about keeping up with anyone.

Saturday, however, I ran with Cristina, and it was even worse. I had to stop and walk twice. I hate when I have to do that when I'm running by myself, but I hate it even more when I drag someone down with me. Cristina was nice about walking, but I was glad that she was able to hook up with Jennifer, Tonya and Lee and add on a few miles with people who were actually running.

I'd keep running by myself until I'm back in shape so that I don't have to struggle to keep up with people, but I'm afraid that I won't run at all if there's no one waiting for me at the trail.

Even my new running shoes and cute running skirt aren't enough to get me excited about getting up and running. I hate this time of year. . . .

Also, I've updated my reading log.

June 14
Danskin is finally over, and I feel like I'm starting to get my life back under control a bit. My mom left today, which means tomorrow we can get back to our normal routines. It seems like months since we've had anything resembling a normal day.

My mom was a life saver this weekend. She stayed with the girls while Brandon was on his canoe trip and I was at the race site. It was a huge load off my back not to have to worry about what to do with them while I was out there. And I think Gran and Ella and Lily had a wonderful time. I'm going to need about a week to deprogram the girls, though.

Danskin went beautifully. I only had one run in with an obnoxious participant who wanted to take her bike out of transition before it was time. When I tried to explain that we were getting volunteers in place to ensure a smooth and safe departure for 3,000 participants, she started yelling about how the government needed to get of peoples' lives and let them make their own choices and be responsible for their own actions. I think her problems went way beyond getting her bike out of transition.

Because I was more of a generalist than just the swim course director this year, I got to move around the race site and do some really fun things. Marion and I took little kids in to the finishers' chute so they could present their moms with their medals. Marty and I delivered ice to the water stops on the race course and cheered for the runners as we drove along, laughing our heads off on the bumps. And a bunch of us started throwing left-over bottles of water and bags of food to participants and spectators at the end of the race. I think it's the first time we've had left-overs of anything. The people we gave stuff to were so appreciative that it was a great way to end the event.

Don't get me wrong, I worked my ass off for three days. I was out at the race site from 8:00 until 4:00 on Friday and Saturday: Saturday with a migraine. Sunday I was out there by 5:00 and stayed until almost 3:00. I moved boxes and tents and body bags and rolls of snow fencing and scaffolding and generators. By the end of the day Sunday I was hurting in places I didn't even know I had muscles. But it was all a good hurt.

I was also dirtier by the end of each day than I had been in a long time - probably since I was a kid. I was caked in layers of sunscreen and dirt and sweat. Even Ella told me I smelled bad. For her to notice I must have really smelled.

As always, the event was so inspiring. I love seeing women of all shapes and sizes and abilities out there doing their best. Anyone who can be out there watching them and not get choked up has something wrong with them.

So now I'm cleaning stuff up and getting my desk back in order. I have a meeting with Marion on Thursday to close out invoices and other budget items, and maybe discuss how much she's paying me. Each year it takes me about a month to decide that I'll work on Danskin again the next year. This time, despite the stress leading up to the event, I've already decided I'll be back - the day was that rewarding and fun.

June 5
One week until Danskin, and I can't wait for it to be over. I get to spend tomorrow making confirmation phone calls. Then I get to spend the rest of the week putting out little fires in my areas of responsibility. I've told my freelance editors that I'm not available after Tuesday for work. They both understood. Danskin has been much more stressful this year than I anticipated. I've always wanted to know more about what goes on behind the scenes at Danskin, but I think maybe ignorance was bliss. As worried as I was about the swim course last year, at least it was only one area I had to think about.

The biggest source of stress for me has been making phone calls. I hate talking on the phone; if I could have done everything for Danskin via e-mail I would have been ever so happy. Tomorrow I have about 20 calls to make, which is sheer torture for me.

I've been feeling very tired lately - tired when I wake up, tired after naps, tired when I go to bed. I think I need to stop taking some of my meds for anxiety and migraines just to clean out my system. I apparently lack enzymes that help the body process medications and I think I just have lots built up in my system right now. As tired as I am, I don't think the week before Danskin is the time to stop taking the anxiety and migraine medications. At least my new asthma drugs are winding me up a bit. I think they may balance out the effects of the others.