Blog

August 31
I had a whole list of things to write about: our fun at the beach, more dental and migraine woes, my running progress or lack of, my mother-in-law's breast cancer, but it all seemed so trite and unimportant (except for the cancer part) in the face of the devastation in Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama. I've spent a lot of time watching the news over the past two days, and the extent of the destruction and despair is just beyond my ken. The scenes from Indonesia after the tsunami were unbelievable, but that disaster was so far away. I've been to New Orleans, I've been to Biloxi. I've driven through that area and seen the houses and casinos that are now just gone.

The mere fact that 80 percent of a major American city can be underwater is just baffling. I've read articles in the past predicting the worst-case scenario for New Orleans if it suffered a direct hit from a major hurricane, but I had always dismissed them as doomsayers. Turns out they were right after all.

What really amazes me is the lack of organization and communication in New Orleans. The police are saying their radios are dead, their cars are running out of gas and they don't have food and water for themselves, let alone the people they're supposed to be helping. The mayor gave a radio interview and said there were too many cooks in the kitchen between FEMA, the National Guard, the Army Corps of Engineers, and local responders. You would think that almost four years after September 11, major cities would have such simple things like radio communications and reserve gas supplies figured out. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if this had been a terrorist attack. Although, I'm not sure the destruction could be any worse.

Watching the news you see the absolute best of humanity and the absolute worst. There have been so many scenes of the tireless Coast Guard pilots and search and rescue personnel lifting thousands of stranded victims off of rooftops for hours on end, scenes of strangers helping each other reach safety, pictures of families finding each other in shelters. But then you see the footage of the looters who aren't stealing food and water for their families, but rather televisions and radios and jewelry and laughing as they do it. There's a report that one police officer was shot trying to stop looters. What a waste of a life. I'd like to think that the people stealing and setting fires and shooting are in the minority, but times get more desperate they may not be.

So tonight I'm just going to be grateful for what I do have. I gave my girls extra kisses and hugs. And I made sure to thank Brandon for doing the dinner dishes, telling him that it meant a lot to me that he did it. I also made sure to tell him I love him. We've got a lot of not-so-great stuff going on right now between my migraines and teeth, his mother's cancer, and his parents' divorce, but we have each other, and we have a safe house, food to eat and clean water to drink. Today, that's saying something.

August 23
We leave tomorrow for the beach! I can't wait. We've been planning this trip since June, and it's felt like ages getting here. We're staying at the same house as last year. But this year we'll be on the 2nd floor, sharing it with Heidi, Eric, Matilda and William Krell. Ella, Lily and Matilda are very excited about the slumber parties they'll be having while sharing a bedroom. Lisa, Russell, Luke and Molly Roe will be on the third floor, along with another family, the Briggs. Their little boy, Aidan, is in Matilda and Luke's preschool class. So we'll have 8 kids under the age of five in one beach house. I predict organized pandemonium.

Having grown up in a beach town, I really am a beach girl at heart. I love the sound of the waves and the smell of the salt air. Given a choice between going to the beach and going to the mountains, I'd have to say I'd probably take beach every time.

Texas beaches are just so different from what I'm used to, though. The first time I went to the beach in Texas - at Corpus Christi - people had to explain what tar removal stations were. I still can't fathom having to remove tar from your body and bathing suits after going to the beach. The tar is a result of all the off-shore oil drilling out in the Gulf. Ick. Also, by the time the water makes it this far into the Gulf, it's a little icky and warm. I don't really want to think about what we might be swimming in.

Still, we're going to be at the beach for five days. It's a much-needed break.

August 21
I had a successful bad run yesterday. It started at Barton Springs Pool, and I ran with Jennifer and Andy from there to our usual starting point over at the MoPac bridge. I was going to just stay on the trail and run the four-mile loop, but Jennifer badgered me into at least running out on Lake Austin Boulevard with her. I figured that since she is pregnant, I can't really back down in the face of a challenge from her.

I ran out to the bathrooms at the boat docks on Lake Austin and then turned and ran back on my own. It was good that I was solo. I was able to slow down a lot, which helped me. It was nice to run without having to struggle to keep up with other people.

The best part was that I found a golf ball. When I lived in Gainesville, Florida, I used to run by the University golf course on a regular basis. Golfers were always losing their golf balls in the stand of trees between the course and the road. We used to find the golf balls on our runs and pick them up. It was a good run if you found one, a great run if you found two, and an amazing run if you found three. Three was the record.I found a golf ball yesterday as I was running past the municipal course on Lake Austin, and it brought back good running memories from Gainesville. The only problem was that I had to carry it for two more miles.

I went cross country through Zilker Park back to my car, and then took a dip in Barton Springs, which is a constant 68 degrees. Brrr. I spent 15 minutes slowly wading in, one step at a time. When I got to my waist, I sucked it up and dove in all the way. I forgot how cold the water is. It took my breath away. I took a few strokes out and back and then got out. I felt so good when I got out though. After 6 hot, humid miles, the shock of the cold water was very welcome. I was chilled for a few hours afterwards. I may have to join Jennifer in making that part of my regular Saturday morning running routine.

August 14
For the first time in close to five years, we don't have a crib in the house. I'm more than a little sad. Lily moved out of the crib about a month ago when we got the bunk bed, and she hasn't gotten back in since. The crib wasn't in the best shape - it needs one bolt replaced. I jokingly offered it to friends who are expecting their first baby in January, and much to my surprise they accepted the offer. Jen and Andy picked it up on Saturday. The girls' room seems so echoey and empty without it.

I told Jen that I felt a little odd giving her a slightly broken down crib, but she said that conservation of resources is important to them, and they like that they are getting a crib with a history. I started sniffling a little and said that two happy, healthy babies had slept in it. She gave me a hug and told me I could come visit the crib when I needed to.

At first, Lily protested our taking the crib out of the house, but then she got distracted by playing with Andy. I figured she had forgotten about the crib all together, but at bedtime there were some tears. She kept saying that she wanted me to go get her bed back. I reminded her that we had given it to friends who were going to have a new baby who was going to sleep in it, thinking that would comfort her. No such luck. "Go get it back!" she wailed. Ella helpfully suggested that we go buy another one for Lily. I told her to be quiet and go to sleep.

Tonight Lily went to bed without mention of the crib, so maybe the trauma is over. Or maybe she just doesn't remember that there used to be a crib in her room.

I can't believe it's been almost five years since we first got a crib. I remember setting it up and calling my best friend Helene in a panic. "I'm going to be bringing a small person home to live with us soon!" Seeing the crib made it very real to me - nevermind the huge tummy and the constant kicking. And now Ella is almost five and a real little person now - not a baby or a toddler. Even though she's not in kindergarten, I consider her a kindergartner. She's got that aura to her.

So while the crib, swing, bouncy seat and high chair have all left the house, I can't bring myself to get rid of the cradle, changing table, sling or infant car seat. I'd still like to have a third baby, and I'm harboring the hope that I can talk Brandon into it. If I'm successful, we'll need the things I have squirreled away.

August 11
I am such a geek. I got three new books yesterday and I was so excited. Almost as excited as I was by my iPod. My grandmother has discovered that Barnes and Noble gift cards are excellent presents, so now she sends them for birthdays. I love getting them. I always take a week or two to think about what books I'm going to order. I always have a list of books I want, but they're usually hardcover, and I have a hard time spending my money on hardcover books. But I figure a giftcard isn't really my money, so I'll usually spend it on newly published books.

This year I ordered Plan B, by Anne Lamott; The Partly Cloudy Patriot, by Sarah Vowell; and 1776, by David McCullough. I had a hard time decided which book to read first. I started with Anne Lamott, but she had me crying by the time I finished the first essay, "Ham of God." While I love Lamott's writing, I can only take her in small doses, one or two essays at a time at most. So I put her aside and started in on Sarah Vowell. I've just discovered her as a writer, and I'm bound and determined to play catch up now. I love her writing - she's kind of a history geek like I am, and she writes about history in a funny, interesting way. I can chuckle and learn things from her. And I'd really like the chance to travel with her. I think we'd get along famously.

And while I've loved every David McCullough book I've read (and I think I've only missed one of his), I think he's going to gather dust while I finish with Lamott and Vowell. I'll learn a great deal from him, but he won't be able to make me laugh and cry, usually in the same essay, like they do.

August 9
I saw my neurologist today about my migraines. We're changing course on treatment. She's weaning me off Depakote, which is an anti-seizure medication that can cause birth defects if I were to get pregnant, and starting me on a different anti-seizure medication that has a one to two percent chance of causing kidney stones and/or glaucoma. Given my luck with side effects, I'll end up with both.

Right now, though, I'm willing to take the risk to get rid of the pattern of daily migraines that I've landed in. I'll go three days with a constant, low level migraine. The pain isn't bad enough to put me in bed, but I have the light sensitivity and nausea that make me want to curl up in a cold dark room. Which isn't an option for me. The migraines are worse on days that I run, yet consistent exercise is one of the doctor's recommendation. I worry that I'm getting into a pattern of rebound migraines - having another one trigger as soon as my Imitrex wears off, so I try to tough out the migraine. But by 3:00, I'm desperate for relief just so I can get through the afternoon with the girls. So I take another Imitrex and begin the cycle again.

My doctor suggested putting me on a 7-day course of steroids to help break the cycle of migraines, but I have such a bad history with steroids that I opted not to go that route unless the new medication doesn't work. Although, given how tired I am all the time these days, having a few days of steroid-induced mania might not be a bad thing. I'd get a lot done.

I'm also going to have another MRI done. The doctor wants to check that I'm not getting position headaches. I mentioned to her that sitting in a dentist's chair for two hours seems to help get rid of headaches. It turns out she just read an article about headaches that are caused by low levels of spinal fluid that cause the brain to sink in the skull, which causes severe pain. But when you lie down, the pain goes away. However, after long enough, lying down isn't enough to get rid of the headache. Apparently, having a small leak of spinal fluid is fairly common - especially in people who have had a spinal tap or an epidural. I've had two epidurals.

The article said that a radical change in position, like being head down in a dentist's chair, might be a solution. The treatment for this type of headache, aside from hanging upside-down like a bat, is a spinal patch. They draw blood and then re-inject it into the spinal column, hoping to get a clot to form where the leak is. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? Dr. Reading thinks it's a long shot that this is what's causing my headaches, but she's willing to take a look, as am I.

Ironically, I didn't have a migraine today, the first time in days and days. It figures that I don't get one on the day that I go to the doctor to talk about them. It's kind of like taking your car to the mechanic only to not have it make the funny sound that caused you to take it in to begin with.

August 5
I felt very cosmopolitan today. At Liz's suggestion, we ventured out in the rain to the Austin Museum of Art to see the Annie Leibovitz exhibit. It's an amazing collection of photographs, portraits really, of America's great musicians. It includes country, blues, bluegrass, jazz, and Iggy Pop (who defies category). The exhibit started off well with a great picture of my personal favorite, Lyle Lovett. Across the way was an iconic picture of my mom's favorite, Willie Nelson.

I felt almost like we were in New York, taking the kids to the museum on a rainy day for something to do. Lily and Ava held hands and wandered through, followed closely by the security guard, who I'm sure was picturing little handprints on the pictures. They were most thrilled with the big windows overlooking a pool with decorative fountains and waterfalls. We spent a lot of time in the big empty room with the windows.

Liz said she would have liked to top the morning off with lunch downtown, but given our failed attempt on Monday, she wasn't up for it. On Monday we went to the park and then decided to go to Maudie's for lunch. Ava and Lily were great. Owen, however, had other plans. He didn't want to sit in his seat, he didn't want to sit in Liz's lap, he didn't want to be held. Now that he can walk, that's what he wants to do. So poor Liz had to ask the waitress to pack up her order to go. Lily only lasted five minutes longer before she started spitting her food out and sitting backwards in her chair. So I got a to-go box and paid the bill. It was one of those plans that was better in theory than in execution.

Some day, when all of the kids are in preschool or kindergarten, Liz and I will be able to have lunch together again. In the meantime, we'll have to settle for goldfish crackers at the park and rainy days at the museum.

August 3
I'm in a bit of a funk these days. I think it's my usual summer doldrums combined with two months of dental problems and almost constant migraines. Whatever it is, I'm pretty down. Some days I think I should up my anti-depressants, but then I worry that I'll be even sleepier than I already am.

Most of my problem is that I just hate this time of year. It's so hot and so humid. I don't like to go anywhere in the afternoon because of how hot the car is. It usually takes the entire car ride to cool down - even in my new car which has a great air conditioner. So we stay inside in the afternoon, with Ella and Lily tearing around the house screaming and yelling and scattering toys around. I usually give in at 4:00 and let them watch cartoons for a while just to give myself a breather from trying to entertain them. Thank god their school runs through the summer or it would be even worse. I'm the envy of many of my friends.

The hot, humid weather combined with the ozone action days also triggers migraines. I can tell before I get out of bed in the morning whether it's an ozone day. My right eyeball always feels fuzzy. It's a sure sign that I'm going to end up with a migraine in the afternoon, especially if I run in the morning. I've pretty much had a constant migraine since Sunday. I didn't run this morning because I woke up at 3:30 with my right eye throbbing. I have an appointment with neurologist next week, but I'm not sure what else there is we can do. I'm already on daily preventative medicine, which had been working really well until just a few weeks ago.

My dental situation is also wearing on me. I've been in to the dentist pretty much once a week since mid-June. I've had two root canals and four crowns so far. I still have many fillings to go. I think I've spent at least $6,000 dollars so far. Not all of the appointments have been bad - most are just to have crowns adjusted, or in the case of this morning, put back on. But the other appointments have been really bad. And I haven't recovered well from a lot of the work. My jaw and gums got infected after I had three crowns and gum work done. My cheek swelled up like a chipmunk's. Then the triple crown never quite fit correctly and I spent weeks not being able to bite on my left side. A week ago, one of the teeth under the crown flared up and I had to have a root canal. Fortunately, the dentist started me on antibiotics right away, but when she put in the novocaine she hit a nerve in my cheek and I still have one dead spot. It's a little annoying.

I'm just finding it very hard to be perky and cheerful and playful with my kids when either my mouth or my head constantly seems to be hurting. I feel like a pretty grouchy mom and wife these days.