Blog
October 28 I hate the dentist, and I really do mean hate. Nothing personal against my dentist, who is a very nice, if a bit odd, man. I just hate going to the dentist. I had a bad experience as a child - a dentist told my parents that I needed 10 fillings, some in baby teeth that fell out months later. Ever since then, I've hated going. It's bad that I hate going. At many points in my life I've put going off for too long, and now I'm paying the price. My teeth seem to be decalcifying. In the past two years I've had one root canal, one crown and lots of fillings. I had the last three done this morning. My dentist swears that these will be the last ones I need. I think that's only because I have no place left for cavities to form. It always takes a lot of novocaine and a long time for my mouth to get numb, so my appointments always last way too long. This morning's was three hours. I don't even know how many shots he put into me. He had to stop part way through one filling to give me two more hits of novocaine because I could still feel the drilling. As a result my face is numb all the way up to the tip of my nose. I can't feel my tongue or my cheeks. My speech is slurred and the right side of my face is drooping. The left side doesn't look too bad even though it is numb, too. I haven't had any food since breakfast because I can't really chew. I'm drinking Ovaltine with a straw in an effort to get something slightly filling in me. I have to go to a party this evening for Brandon. It's a big October-fest thing for the Keller Williams office that he and his dad are part of. There will be clients there, and I'll be playing the role of the smiling wife, provided I can smile by 6:00. It's the last thing I want to do today. Grump, grump, grump.
October 27 Decker has been my goal for more than a year. It's a tough race held out east of Austin, and it is all hills. No matter which direction you run the big loop, you run uphill more than down, and the wind is always in your face. The weather is notoriously unpredictable: it sleeted one year. I've run it in everything from 70 degrees and muggy to 34 degrees at the start. I had hoped to be in shape to run it last year, but it just wasn't meant to happen. This year, though, I think I'll be ready. After my great run last week I felt so optimistic that I actually registered for the race. Now I have to run it. The only problem is that I'm burning out on getting up so early in the morning to run. It seems that 5:45 comes way too early these days, especially when I know it will still be dark when we finish running five miles. I wish I could manage to fit in evening runs, but there's never any way to predict whether Brandon will be home to watch the girls. And most days by the time the evening rolls around, I'm so beat that I wouldn't be able to run a single step. So I'll keep plugging along and hope that I don't fall asleep while running. And I'm taking the week after Decker off from running and sleeping in as much as possible, even if that's only until the girls wake me up at 7:15.
October 25
If I scold her about something, or send her to her room, or thwart her wishes in any possible way, she tells me that I'm making her have a very bad day. My response that she's choosing her actions and therefore her fate doesn't seem to register. Today while driving her to school, Ella told me it was my fault she kept messing up her drawings on her magnadoodle. I was making the car drive too bumpy, which made her hand shake, which made her drawing a mess. I explained that there was nothing I could do about the condition of the roads and that maybe she should contact her city council member, but she just rolled her eyes at me. Lily catches a fair amount of blame these days, too. Ella tells me several times a day that Lily has done something wrong, something that has ruined what ever it was that Ella was working on at the time. Poor Lily, sometimes all it takes is for her to sneeze and Ella is yelling. Ella also blames her friends for a lot of stuff. She tells us that one of them has said something that made her upset or made her sad or made her feel like she couldn't do something. Brandon tried very hard one day to explain that her friends couldn't "make" her do anything, but it didn't work. I guess this is just a good warm-up for Ella's teen-age years. She already has the "mo-om" and accompanying eye roll down pat. I never thought that I'd have to be dealing with this attitude at 4 instead of 14.
October 23 My former boss and I had offices next to each other, and we'd e-mail back and forth rather than call or get up and walk over. E-mail saved me during the planning stages of my wedding; my mom could e-mail me her four million questions rather than call me with them. Now that I am at home with the girls, e-mail is my link to the outside world. It's how I keep in touch with friends and with editors for whom I do freelance work. But I think I've started to rely on e-mail a little too much. My office is between my bedroom and the kitchen. So every time I walk back and forth, I glance at the computer to see if there are any new e-mails. And if I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner or eating lunch with the girls, I can hear the chime announcing a new message. Of course, I have to run in and check. Usually it's something boring - like a notice from the bank that my statement is available or an offer from Delta for new ways to earn miles. Nothing fun like a message from a friend. So today I resolved that I'd go the whole day without checking e-mail. I turned off the computer last night at bedtime, intending not to turn it on until Monday morning. Each time I walked by the office, I'd glance at the computer, forgetting that it was off. I made it until 1:30. I had some spare time to work because Lily was napping and Ella was being entertained by her grandfather, so I decided to work on updating the pictures on my Web site. And since I was turning on the computer to work, I just had to check e-mails. I am going to try to make it a habit to have the computer on less when I'm not actually working. Ella did an art project at school - the theme was "My Family Works Together" - and the teacher wrote what Ella told her about work at our house. Ella said, "My mommy is always working and always typing on her computer. My daddy works on his computer, but he plays with me and lets me bounce on the trampoline." It was like a knife in my heart. I know I play with her a lot, and I never actually "work" while the girls are up and around, but I guess I spend more time online than I realized. So from here on out, less computer and e-mail time for me. Starting tomorrow. . . .
October 19 The first big fall that I have a memory of was down a flight of brick steps at my grandparents' house. They were having one of their big parties on the patio, and I took a tumble down the steps leading to the patio. Of course, I had my annual check-up the following Monday with the pediatrician who had been my father's doctor as a child. Fortunately, he had been at the party and seen the fall. Otherwise he might have called child protective services. In high school I slipped on some water in the laundry room at my parents' house and landed on my kneecap. That fall resulted in my having knee surgery four years later. Fortunately, the surgery was so successful that I now refer to that knee as my "good" one. I fell during a run one morning when I was living in Gainesville. I was running along University Avenue at the height of morning rush hour traffic, such as it is in a small town. I tripped over some uneven pavement and went down like a ton of bricks. I landed on my hands and knees, but then my shoulder gave out, and I ended up doing a face plant. I ran the mile back the pool with blood running down my shirt from my chin and down my legs from my knees. I was more embarrassed by the fall than hurt. People were pulling over their cars and bicyclists were stopping to see if I was ok. Sometimes it's not good to fall with witnesses. One coach I worked with, after I came in with scraped up knees for the third time in as many weeks, said, "If you lead an active lifestyle, you run the risk of getting hurt. If you don't want to get hurt, you should take up knitting. You however, get hurt more than any person I've ever met. Maybe you should take up knitting." Another friend, after watching me trip over a big orange cone while running a race (you know, the ones that mean, "WARNING - DON'T STEP HERE") and then seeing me wipe out while rollerblading, suggested that I spend my entire life in knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards and a helmet. I've had a long stretch without any major falls, but over the past week the streak has ended. Last Tuesday I was walking backwards taking pictures of Ella during her birthday party, and I tripped over her sandbox. I landed in it and cracked my back on the other edge. My mom, who saw me fall, said my feet were completely in the air. Wednesday I slipped on some water in our bathroom and landed on my tailbone. I have an ugly bruise. Thursday I tripped walking up our front steps and skinned my knee. And then there was today. I saw the rock as my foot hit it, but I figured I'd just end up kicking it out of the way. Instead, the rock stayed put and I went flying. I landed on my hands and knees and then rolled to my back. Fortunately, I didn't hit my chin. It was really humid this morning, and we had just passed the four-mile mark, so I was pretty sweaty. As a result, I ended up covered in dirt, which turned into mud. My running friend Jennifer helped me up and tried to help get me cleaned up. I was able to run the final mile pretty well. When I got home I assessed the damage - two skinned knees, the left worse than the right, two skinned hands, again the left worse than the right, and road rash on my thigh. I hurt my left wrist in the fall, too. It's a bit swollen tonight, and it hurts when I lift Ella or Lily or when I type. I also feel like I was hit by a truck - the after effect of the jarring in the fall I suppose. Fortunately, tomorrow is an off day. I'll spend the day licking my wounds and my pride and getting ready for Thursday's run. I just hope I can make it through without falling again. Maybe this was the last of my bad streak - I'm knocking on wood and turning around twice and spitting.
October 18 It's hard to believe she's been here for four years. I barely remember life without her, but at the same time, it's gone by in a flash. It seems just yesterday that I was watching the pregnancy test hoping that there would be two lines. Ella has definitely become her own little person. She's intelligent, independent and strong-willed. All of these are qualities that I celebrate and encourage, but at the same time it makes being Ella's mother very hard. She's a little too intelligent, independent and strong-willed. She keeps me on my toes each and every day. At the same time, she makes me laugh every day. Now that she can talk so well, we get to hear her perspective on the world, and it's very funny. She notices and picks up on everything around her and asks tons of questions. One day in the car, she fired off about 20 questions in a row. I asked her if she could stop asking me questions for just five minutes. In a pitiful little voice she replied with, "But mama, asking questions is how I learn things." Talk about laying on the guilt. As grown-up as she seems at times, she's still very much a little kid. Ella likes to hug and snuggle with me. And she still curls up with her cherished Pooh-Bear every night in bed. When I go in to check on her and Lily and to watch them sleep I always smile when I see Ella with her Pooh tucked firmly under her arm. I have so many wishes and hopes for Ella. I hope she's able to maintain her sense of self and her confidence, even through her teen-aged years. I hope she keeps her sense of wonder at the world around her. Most of all, I hope she always, always knows that her father and I love her very much, no matter what. Happy (belated) Birthday to my favorite four-year-old. Oh yes, I've updated my reading quest, also.
October 15 It's not that I don't think of things to write. I usually come up with great topics while I'm lying in bed at night or while I'm out running. I just never manage to sit down and write them. Each time I sit down to type I get distracted by work or by children, or by both. This is also what happens when I try to keep a journal. I do well for a few weeks, or even a month or two, then I taper off until I stop writing completely. This time I'm determined not to let that happen. I just need to have a better blog work ethic, if such a thing exists.
October 10 We had Ella's birthday party today. It was supposed to be yesterday, but she woke up Friday morning with a bright red eye ball. The doctor confirmed that it was pink-eye. She was only contagious for 24 hours, so we were able to move the birthday party back a day. I tried to keep the party as simple as possible. I've heard of some parties that have been over the top - I don't have the budget or the patience for an extravaganza-style party. We invited six of Ella's neighborhood play buddies and their parents. The weather was perfect, so we all hung out in the back yard. The kids took turns bouncing on the trampoline and swinging in the hammock. We played Pin the Tail on the Donkey, which took much less time than I had anticipated. The main attraction was cupcakes and ice cream. I gave each of the kids their own ice cream bowl and a scoop of ice cream and then let them go nuts with different toppings - we had different kinds of sprinkles, chocolate syrup, caramel syrup, cherries and whipped cream. I'm not sure how much ice cream any of them ate, but they all seemed to have a great time adding things to their bowl. After the sugar fest, they all ran around the yard and bounced some more, and Brandon made balloon swords and dogs and hats for the kids. It's one of his many hidden talents. It was fun to watch the kids play together. I still can't believe that Ella will be four on Wednesday. It seems so old. She's a real little kid now, not a toddler or pre-schooler. Some days, though, it feels like she's four going on 14. She's really becoming the person she's going to be, and it's amazing to watch it happen.
October 7 I had lots of grand plans for the day. I was going to get a lot of work done, which I did. Then I was going to run errands and maybe even get in with my acupuncturist, whom I haven't seen in too long. But instead, I came home from dropping off the girls, took a migraine pill, and stretched out on the bed for half an hour to give it time to kick in and knock out the headache. More than two hours later I woke up. I guess I was more tired than I realized. I've felt a little groggy the rest of the day. It occurred to me last night that I've been burning the candle on both ends a little too much lately. I'm usually a morning person, as far as working goes. When I worked at the AG's office, I would get to the office by 7:00 most mornings. I was very productive then. Plus there was no one other than my boss around to bother me. And she came to work early for precisely the same reasons I did. We got along wonderfully. Now that I'm freelancing, I get to set my own work hours. I had grand plans of getting up early and putting in several hours of work before the girls wake up, but it hasn't happened that way. I run three mornings a week, bright and early. If I'm not out running by 6:30, I don't get to go. So instead of working in the morning, I work at night after the girls have gone to bed. It's hard to go all day, wrestle them into bed and then sit down to work for another two hours or so. Some nights Brandon works late, too, and we don't get to see each other at all. Some days I'm up and moving from 5:45 am until after 10:00 pm. No wonder I'm so tired. I realize that I'm very lucky that I'm able to work from home on my own schedule. I love being home with the girls, and if working at night is the price to pay for that, I'm willing. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to grumble about it a bit. I'm almost finished with the big project I'm working on, and I'm looking forward to having a week or so off before the next one gets started. Maybe I'll be able to sit and watch TV with my husband.
October 6 So I stood Ella in front of the open freezer to let her breathe the cold air, which is supposed to help, and I gave her benadryl, which is also supposed to help. Ella spent most of Monday flat on the sofa. We borrowed movies from our neighbor to keep her entertained. I kept Ella home from pre-school yesterday too even though she wasn't coughing anymore. Her fever was mostly gone, but she still seemed flat. But then in the afternoon she made a full recovery and started tearing around the house. We ended up playing outside for several hours, and she spent much of the time perched in the tree in the front yard. I ended the two days with a frazzled temper and cabin fever. Being trapped inside with a sick child is not any fun at all. They get clingy and whiny, or at least Ella does. My only hope is that Ella actually had really bad allergies and that her new allergy medicine will help. Otherwise, Lily could end up getting sick, and I'll be back to having cabin fever. And then of course, Brandon will catch whatever it was, and I'll have an even bigger baby on my hands. October 4 I've finally gotten around to archiving all of August and September. I'll try to be more punctual about that. I think I've finally hit my stride with running, pun intended. I ran last Friday with Liz and Shelly, and we did seven hilly miles. While the run wasn't easy, I didn't fall apart in the middle like I have on previous longer runs. We ran slower than I have on those other runs, and I think that made all the difference in the world. When I run with the big group, I start out way too fast and then just crash and burn after the hills. I can handle more hills at a more comfortable pace. Plus, it was fun to run with Liz and Shelly again. They're the women I first started out running with years ago when I began taking my running more seriously. Liz and I trained for the Austin Marathon together through Austin Fit in 1998. And then I met Shelly through Liz. I've missed being able to run with them. This morning I ran five pretty comfortably. I think I'm upping my weekday runs from four miles to five. It's one way of getting my weekly mileage up a bit. The pace was faster than last Thursday's five-miler, but I still finished feeling pretty comfortable. I think the arrival of cooler weather is going to make a huge difference in my running. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
|