| Back before I had children, back when I knew everything about being a parent, I used to be very critical of others' parenting styles. I'd see a mom or dad do something and say, "When I have kids, I'll never do that." Or I'd see a child do something and say, "My children will never get away with behaving like that." One thing that always got me going was toddlers with pacifiers - especially children who were old enough to talk. I'd swear up and down that my child would never use a pacifier when he or she was that old. I always hated to listen to kids who talked with one of the darn things in their mouth. Well, the parenting gods are biting me on the butt over that one. I have a three-year-old, and not only did she use a pacifier, she still does.
We started out without one. In fact, in her first few weeks, Ella refused to suck on one. She'd spit it out as soon as I popped in her mouth. But then one day, when she was about three months old, I tried again out of sheer frustration. She took a few sucks, and then a look of pure joy came over her face. She LOVED her pacifier.
I'll admit, it was nothing short of a life-saver when she was a baby. Ella was not the best sleeper, and the pacifier was often the only thing that got her to sleep and kept her that way. One of the happiest days of my life was when she figured out how to put the pacifier in her mouth all by herself. This meant I wouldn't have to get up in the middle of the night to do it for her.
But now, I can't get her to give it up. Her current favorite is one from her cousin Derek. We ended up with it during our trip to Sante Fe, New Mexico last summer for a family wedding. We had left all of Ella's pacifiers back at the house we were staying in, and she was about to lose it during the ceremony due to sheer exhaustion. Fortunately, Derek's dad had some spares in his pocket. It's a newborn size, and it makes a clicking sound when you shake it back and forth. Ella calls it the "noisy pacifier," and if we can't find it at bedtime, we have to launch a house-wide search. Ella's other favorite is one that I bought for her baby sister when she was born, but that Lily has never used.
We do have rules about when she can use them. I still hate to see kids trying to talk with a pacifier in their mouth. In theory, Ella is only allowed to use them if she's in bed. There are times when she will go climb in bed just to be able to suck on one. This usually happens after she's been scolded for something. And if Ella tries to talk to me with one in her mouth, I tell her that I can't hear her. She immediately pops it out. We let things slip a bit at Christmas though. Ella was very sick, so I let her curl up on the sofa with a pacifier and watch cartoons. Once she was better, we had to reinforce the bed-only rule, which took a few days. Even now, she'll hide behind our arm chair with one in her mouth, thinking that I can't see her back there.
Ever since Ella's third birthday, I've been trying to break the pacifier habit. I've talked about how the Pacifier Fairy is going to come one night and take all the pacifiers and give them to new babies who don't have any and leave a toy for Ella in return. The first time I told her this story, Ella looked at me skeptically, and said, "But Baby Molly has one already." Molly is our new next-door neighbor. So I had to modify the story a bit; now the Pacifier Fairy takes them to the hospital for the new babies. Once a month or so I ask Ella if she's ready for the Pacifier Fairy to come, and we even talk about what kind of toy the Fairy might bring. But in the end, Ella always decides she's not ready.
So I decided to try attrition. Pacifiers have a way of disappearing around here. I figured that if I wait long enough, they'll all disappear and the problem will be solved. Yesterday, we were down to two pacifiers. Then the gods struck. Ella was rooting around under the guest bed and found two pacifiers that had gone missing. I'm thinking that maybe it's time for Brandon and me to assist with the disappearing act.
For the record, I'm not against comfort objects. Goodness knows, I can't cast any stones. I sucked my thumb until I was in third grade. My mom one time asked why I didn't let Ella suck on a pacifier whenever she wanted, pointing out that if she sucked her thumb instead, she'd have immediate and constant access to it. Her question gave me pause. I wondered if maybe I was being too harsh with Ella. But I did realize the difference, at least in my eyes: It's hard to play or paint or build blocks or dig in the sand and suck your thumb at the same time. With a pacifier, however, there is no such conflict.
Fortunately, Lily never showed an interest in a pacifier, and I never reached a point of desperation that caused me to try to get her to take it. She's happy with her special snuggle cloth at bedtime. The few times she's gotten her hands on one of Ella's, she's just popped it in and out of her mouth and chewed on the handle before casting it aside.
I am torn about whether to take the pacifiers away from Ella, either through the Pacifier Fairy or a disappearing act. Does it really do any harm to keep letting her have them at bedtime? Will she turn into some neurotic basket case if I take them away and have her cry herself to sleep for a couple of nights? Will I survive trying to take them away? I'm at a bit of a loss.
I guess this just goes to show, yet again, that we are always much smarter parents before we have kids. Nothing we think we know about parenting ever actually gets tested in practice.
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